My Brain is trying to kill me

13 Dec

For some reason, my brain really wants me to know what’s going on in the world at four in the morning.  It also wants me to pee at 1 a.m.  And it thinks that 10:30 is just the right time to start thinking about everything.

Normally, I manage this with doses of melatonin, but the last few nights, it’s not been enough.  I’m one of those people who, unfortunately, really needs a good eight hours to function well.  I can get by on seven, but less than that I start to turn evil.

Which is what happened yesterday.

Two other contributing factors:  I got a few rejections on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, which, no big deal, that’s part of the job.   Usually I don’t let them bother me.  But when they came on top of the insomnia, plus this wacky dream I had on Tuesday night, it was a little much.  I dreamt John Scalzi was giving a master class, but I hadn’t turned in a treatment beforehand, like I was supposed to.  Which meant that Mr. Scalzi wanted nothing to do with me, even after I wrote up another one.

I’ve met John Scalzi, and even danced with him a little.  He’s a very nice guy.  I have no idea why my subconscious decided that he was going to be a raging jerkface to me, unless I consider the fact that my own brain was out to get me.  Here, it said, here’s this super nice guy, a successful author like you’d like to be, and even he won’t have anything to do with you.  That’s how much you suck.

This led to a full on festival of self-pity all day yesterday, complete with “nobody loves me” balloons and streamers printed with “I’ll never amount to anything.”  Seriously, there was a clown who didn’t even bother to hit me in the face with a pie because I wasn’t worth the effort.

I left work at lunch to work from home, so that no one would have to put up with me in this state (except my husband, who got to read all my morose texts.  Being wise and wonderful, he responded entirely in Star Wars quotes).

I was in my pajamas at 6 pm.  And not my normal pajamas, my “screw you world” pajamas, which consist of regular pajama pants and an old Mickey Mouse sweatshirt from 1992 in You Suck Gray.  I ate mac and cheese, several Christmas cookies, and watched my kids play video games.

Last night, I slept a little better, but I still witnessed 1am and 4am, which, I’m here to tell you, are still quite unremarkable.  Perhaps someday this will all be ironic, when a comet streaks across the sky at 3:56, which will be the one time I sleep through the night.



6 Responses to “My Brain is trying to kill me”

  1. Shari December 13, 2012 at 9:44 am #

    Sorry to read about the insomnia, that really sucks, but do be careful with melatonin, the normal dose is <1mg and most pills are 3mg. I just read something on that not long ago, will try to find it. Wish I had something useful for you, but I have a narcotic-cat who is nice enough to curl up with me when I can't sleep, she's better than a drug. 🙂

    • marymascari December 13, 2012 at 10:02 am #

      Docs are cool with the melatonin. Actually 3mg is the smallest dose they’ve got.

      And David’s allergic to cats, so that way is out. Maybe just a big hammer.

  2. Rachel V. December 13, 2012 at 10:14 am #

    I know this may be ridiculous – because I don’t know what your days are actually like – but perhaps more physical activity during the day – to burn off any extra energy?
    The other thing one of my doctors said to me is to have a small handful of nuts or something before bedtime – for the protein. Often times we go to sleep long after we’ve digested our last meal, and when we’re “empty” the body tends to wake up and go: “Okay, need protein now to start the day” – and something like a handful of almonds can allow your system to stay asleep – not get you up too early, seeking breakfast 🙂

    Just my two cents – I do hope you can get some good rest soon!

    • marymascari December 13, 2012 at 10:23 am #

      That’s a good idea, have a little protein-y snack. I’ll try that.

      Exercise is an ongoing challenge. If I didn’t have to sleep as much…..but now we’re back to where we started, aren’t we?

  3. David K. Roberson! December 13, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

    I love this! Very well written. People who are driven to be successful, Are plagued with doubts and these doubts drive them to work harder to be successful. Your brain never seems to be at rest. Because you are determined to achieve. With you the question shouldn’t be “Will I get there?” “The question should be, “When?”

    “Look toward the stars and keep your feet planted on the ground.” – Theodore Roosevelt.

    • marymascari December 13, 2012 at 9:22 pm #

      You’re awesome, Dave. I take back all those things I said.

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